i can still remember the time when i was still sucking on Dumex from a milk bottle like it was yesterday. or how my dad used to chase me around the house with a rotan when i was still wearing my kiki-lala shorts and t-shirt. how time has fly.
so much has happened in my life since then. some good. some not so good. a few highs and a few lows. but all happened for a reason.
i've fallen in love. i've fallen out of love. had my heart broken. broken the heart's of others as well. had known the beauty of waking up next to a loved one. and also experience the loneliness and sorrow of rejection and betrayal.
reflecting back on the past 29 years, there were many turning points in my life. each turning point in my life was preceded by an event of intense pain, hardship and sorrow only to be followed by a life changing realisation of what it all meant.
i think the greatest turning point was when my dad fell ill and passed away when i was 15years old. that one single event had the largest impact on my life. it was that one event that shaped my entire life and made me who i am today. i would not be who i am today if it was not for my dad's death. that day, December 15th 1997, was the day i took my first step to becoming a man.
my dad's passing left me feeling sad and fearful of what the future may hold. but above it all, regret was the feeling i felt the most. i regretted not being closer with him. i took for granted that he will always be there. at 15years old, i had yet to experience death of a loved one. the greatest regret in my life is not being there with my father on the day he fell ill and never regaining consciousness cause i rather hang out with my friends. i carry that regret till this day with me. that experience taught me that the lives of our loved ones are on borrowed time and that we have too treasure them while they are still around.
do you know how it feels to come home from school and see your mom crying in front of a stack of bills and not knowing what to do....my dad's death left a big void that needed to be filled. i had to step into that role for the sake of my younger siblings. i took my first job when i was 15. i started making important family decision at age 15. it was then that i learned that every action has a consequence. because of that, i think a lot before i make any decision. and i dont make any decision when im emotional cause experience taught me that its the worst possible time to make any important decision. i guess maybe its cause of this that i think too much. thats what my closest of friends tell me.
my dad was admitted to a private hospital for his illness. he was in the ICU for 10days before he passed away. my family was financially above average but we were by no means rich. he had no insurance. and we had trouble finding money to pay for his medical bills. and he just had a heart surgery which cost almost rm100k. mom kept dad in a private hospital cause the mentality was that private hospital was better than a public hospital. and she felt a debt of gratitude to my dad, so she had to give him the best there is. the hospital will call everyday stalking for money. each day in the ICU cost more than RM4k. i can still remember how my mom had to borrow money from friends and how she had to hound the bank. or how she cried when she couldnt find enough money when the hospital called and told her that the hospital cant keep my dad if she cant pay. i felt anger and outrage. but most of all, i was overwhelmed with hopelessness. powerless to do anything for my father.
that event made me the doctor i am today. that was when i knew how it felt to be poor and not being able to access medical care. i understood what hopelessness meant.that was the day when i knew what kind of a doctor i wanted to become. i told myself i would be a doctor for the poor and needy and give hope to those who have none. lack of money should never be an excuse for not having access to the best medical treatment available. everyone deserves a chance at living. rich or poor.
there were many more life changing events in my life. and along the way, ive made many mistakes. i've hurt many dear ones with my words or actions. but whatever mistakes i made, i learnt from them and it made me a better man.
sometimes, mistakes just cant be avoided no matter how hard you try. till this day (and more often this past few months), i frequently ask myself whether i will regret the decisions that i make today.
then i realised, the truth is"NO ONE KNOWS!!!"
you cannot see into the future to guide your decisions. you can only make them with a sincere heart and the best of intentions and hope for the best. if it turns out to be a mistake, then learn from it and move on. no point holding on to a regret. its better to have lived a fulfilling meaningful life full of mistakes rather than living in the shadow of fear and not experiencing life to the fullest.
after all, mistakes are part of life. its mistakes that make us human after all.
what is a regret,
nothing but a distant memory,
hoping to be a reality
(justine tan, dec 30 1997)
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