just came back from dinner wit old school friends. when going out with friends who are working, they always insist in paying for everything. its good at times, especially when its towards the end of the month and there is only like RM2.55 left of my pocket money. but at times, i feel like a parasite. you know that feeling... you feel relieved but at the same time you feel like.... a parasite. ok another metaphor: like a good catholic boy having premarital sex. he enjoys the experience(especially the cum part) but the burden of having sinned weighs heavily on him. well something like tat. if you cant imagine in it...pi mampus la. lu bukan manusia :)
im not from a well off family. when my dad was around we were considered above average. conditions now are not THAT bad, we stil get along comfortably, but maybe the luxury lifestyle aint there anymore. still we are better off compared to many other millions living in poverty. i've got a roof over my head, the love of my family and gf and the chance to pursue my dreams of becoming a doctor.
ever since i was young, i was inspired by my dad's work of charity. he never boasted bout it. never seek fame nor recognition for it. always putting the need of those really in need above himself. my sister would tell you he sometimes even put it above his family. at that time, i always told myself thats the kind of doctor i want to be. a selfless one. where money is secondary. you know, probably go to the outskirts of sabah or sarawak or to some real poor country to serve.
a divine calling?? or maybe just plain idealism borned from my naive thinking at that time.
but as i grow older and older, financial insecurity trails me like a shadow. month after month i struggle to find just that extra cash to go by. somehow or rather something will definately break a part and needs repairing. i dont smoke. i drink ocassionally in the comforts of my own home(so i dont need to pay thru my nose in the clubs) with duty free liquor. i dont buy expensive clothes. i dont spend on my gf.and she is really understanding of my financial situation for which im truly greatful. actually she spends more on me. again the parasite feeling but this time even worst.but somehow or rather money is never enough to go by.
then there is the constant headache when its time to pay my anual tuition fee. medical school is not cheap. and for some reason, my batch was denied the RM20 000 PTPTN loan. but by the grace of god, my mom always find enough money to pay the fees.
all these financial problems slowly made me realised how important money really is. one day when i become a father, i wouldnt want my children to worry bout their tuition fees. i dont want them to miss out of achieving their dreams just because their dad cant afford it. then there is the personal desire to have earthly materials. who wants to drive a cheap car which breaks down all the time when you can drive a sleek continental car which assures you a comfortable, safe and quality ride. why go to port dickson for a holiday when you can make enough money to take your family to the maldives or the carribeans. why live in a small house and be force to bear with noisy inconsiderate neighbours when you can live in a bungalow in an exclusive neighbourhood where you can have your own privacy with peace and tranquility.
i once told a friend before entering med school that my greatest fear is graduating as a doctor but forgetting why i became one in the first place. half way thru med school, the fear is becoming greater than ever. we as human being, with a larger cortex, have the ability to find reasons to justify all our actions. there can be only two outcome in the end:
1)stick true to the real reason why i become a doctor or
2)become all that i've feared i would be...worst still, find a reason to justify it.
ps/ i would like to inform all those who read my blog that this article is a personal thought and feeling. at no time am i trying to potray myself an image of a moral person. i am not trying to degrade the aspiration or the path that you have decided to choose in your life, whatever that might be. each of us are motivated by a certain reason to be who we want to be and live the life we want to lead and the fear that comes with it. these are MY reasons and MY fears.
