its the holidays again. that means the old half dead melaka is...fully dead. at least from my point of view. all me college mates went back to their respective home towns. old friends from secondary school dont call melaka their home no more.

so for the next one week, its just me, my retarded dog Prince and my diet crazy flower horn fish. never did bother to name my flower horn. reason for it is because most guys dont do it and the damm thing is probably gonna die soon from aneroxia. i dont know why i bother feeding it everyday when it doesnt want to eat in the first place. im just wasting my money on fish food.

Prince on the other hand is just a glutton. i think i cultivated it. his favourite foods are roti telur, bak pau, chicken rice and char seoh peng. just like me. i thought of giving it wan tan mee, but hey, i think its disrespectful to that holly food. if you were to do a lipid profile on that dog, i guess it will definately have high cholestrol as well, just like me.

graffiti

was walking up the stairs to the college computer lab when i saw this writen on the wall: MMMC-(Money Making Medical College)

its friday again....

damm it!!!

been down with the flu for the past two days. been popping anti-histamines and strepsils like a junkie craving for a kick....yeah, kick the mucus out of my nose. none seem to having much of an effect though.

rather than stay at home rotting with a red nose, thought i'll go watch "DOOM" with some friends. the Rock has alyways been my favourite wrestler after the legendary Hulk Hogan. HULKAMANIA RULESSSS..... some boys never do grow up.

neways, going to be another bored weekend. gf went back to her hometown cause they are having a house warming and some blessings for the new house they are moving in. she is a hindu and im a christian. throughout our relationship, i;ve been exposed to many hindu believes and practices. some i find interesting, some just down right puzzling. for instance, to ensure prosperity and wealth to the family moving into the new house, they actually hire a cow to URINATE in the living room. and it aint just any cow, its trained to walk on marble steps. it seems normal cows cant do that. they can train the cow to walk on marbles but they sure cant train the damm thing to pee at command. so wat they do is forced the poor creature to drink a whole bucket full of sugar water(by forcing its head into the bucket) and voila....it pees.

damm... i dread the day when we marry and move in to our new house.

any damm animal that dares pee on my house will end up on my dining table.

my fears and my dreams

just came back from dinner wit old school friends. when going out with friends who are working, they always insist in paying for everything. its good at times, especially when its towards the end of the month and there is only like RM2.55 left of my pocket money. but at times, i feel like a parasite. you know that feeling... you feel relieved but at the same time you feel like.... a parasite. ok another metaphor: like a good catholic boy having premarital sex. he enjoys the experience(especially the cum part) but the burden of having sinned weighs heavily on him. well something like tat. if you cant imagine in it...pi mampus la. lu bukan manusia :)

im not from a well off family. when my dad was around we were considered above average. conditions now are not THAT bad, we stil get along comfortably, but maybe the luxury lifestyle aint there anymore. still we are better off compared to many other millions living in poverty. i've got a roof over my head, the love of my family and gf and the chance to pursue my dreams of becoming a doctor.

ever since i was young, i was inspired by my dad's work of charity. he never boasted bout it. never seek fame nor recognition for it. always putting the need of those really in need above himself. my sister would tell you he sometimes even put it above his family. at that time, i always told myself thats the kind of doctor i want to be. a selfless one. where money is secondary. you know, probably go to the outskirts of sabah or sarawak or to some real poor country to serve.

a divine calling?? or maybe just plain idealism borned from my naive thinking at that time.

but as i grow older and older, financial insecurity trails me like a shadow. month after month i struggle to find just that extra cash to go by. somehow or rather something will definately break a part and needs repairing. i dont smoke. i drink ocassionally in the comforts of my own home(so i dont need to pay thru my nose in the clubs) with duty free liquor. i dont buy expensive clothes. i dont spend on my gf.and she is really understanding of my financial situation for which im truly greatful. actually she spends more on me. again the parasite feeling but this time even worst.but somehow or rather money is never enough to go by.

then there is the constant headache when its time to pay my anual tuition fee. medical school is not cheap. and for some reason, my batch was denied the RM20 000 PTPTN loan. but by the grace of god, my mom always find enough money to pay the fees.

all these financial problems slowly made me realised how important money really is. one day when i become a father, i wouldnt want my children to worry bout their tuition fees. i dont want them to miss out of achieving their dreams just because their dad cant afford it. then there is the personal desire to have earthly materials. who wants to drive a cheap car which breaks down all the time when you can drive a sleek continental car which assures you a comfortable, safe and quality ride. why go to port dickson for a holiday when you can make enough money to take your family to the maldives or the carribeans. why live in a small house and be force to bear with noisy inconsiderate neighbours when you can live in a bungalow in an exclusive neighbourhood where you can have your own privacy with peace and tranquility.

i once told a friend before entering med school that my greatest fear is graduating as a doctor but forgetting why i became one in the first place. half way thru med school, the fear is becoming greater than ever. we as human being, with a larger cortex, have the ability to find reasons to justify all our actions. there can be only two outcome in the end:

1)stick true to the real reason why i become a doctor or

2)become all that i've feared i would be...worst still, find a reason to justify it.







ps/ i would like to inform all those who read my blog that this article is a personal thought and feeling. at no time am i trying to potray myself an image of a moral person. i am not trying to degrade the aspiration or the path that you have decided to choose in your life, whatever that might be. each of us are motivated by a certain reason to be who we want to be and live the life we want to lead and the fear that comes with it. these are MY reasons and MY fears.

new book

you know wat, i just cant beleive how expensive books in this country. year after year the goverment had been harping that malaysians should cultivate a reading habit. but how do the younger generations develop this habit when the cost of a book is nothing less than RM30. one might suggest the public library as an alternative but the simple fact is that our public library is so poorly stock that it just pointless.

anyway, just bought two books 'alias chin peng: my side of history'(RM70)and 'to digress a little'(RM38).

currently, am now half way thru reading the chin peng book. its a really good read. anyone interested in malaysian history and politics should read it. it gives an alternative view of the involvement of CPM(communist party of Malaya) during the japanese occupation and the subsequent 12 years Emergency period. we should not formed a final conclusion on the role of CPM based on what we've been studying from the history textbook.

for instance, we were told that immediately after the japanese surrender, the MPAJA(malayan people against Japenese army), the military wing of the CPM, went on a killing rampage for 3 weeks until the arrival of the British. it was claimed that the MPAJA, which was predominatly chinese, were targeting the malays and all those who collaborated with the japanese. in the book, chin peng did not deny the fact that they did kill the colaborators, but he deny they were systematically killing the malays. what happen was 3 japanese soldiers disguised in the MPAJA uniform killed a pig in a mosque in johor. the malays believing that they were really chinese, got real mad and started attacking chinese settlements with their parangs. the outnumbered and defenceless chinese villagers sought protection from the CPM. the CPM responded by forming boundaries around the chinese settlements. they warned the malays not to cross the line or they would be shot. the malays with their parangs, believing that they would be invisible to bullets because of their magical amulet, crossed anyway and were shot at. seeing their leaders drop dead, the rest begin to scatter away. things only came back to normal after dato Jaafar Onn went to explained matters to the malays.

there are many other interesting facts that were never told to us. if you get the chance, go read the book.