football in evertything you see??

been spending my last two weeks in the ONG department. spend the first week in the labor room. after a week, i've come to equate child birth to football.

there is only one player(the mother) in the game and the aim of the game is to try to kick(contract the uterus) the ball(the baby) thru the goal post(the vagina). most of the time, one goal is all you need to seal the game. but sometimes multiple goals(twins, triplets) are needed to win. usually multiple goals are needed only if the player is on performance enhancing drugs(fertility pills).

players playing the game for the first time usually require a skillful coach(the doctor) to help guide her thru the game. the coach, will intermitently give advice to the player on the best way to score the goal. now if the player is either too dumb or too scared to comprehend instruction, the coach might resort to the infamous "hair dryer" method made popular by Sir Alex Ferguson, to try to scare the shit out of the player(shit do actually come out in the course of the game) into scoring. the hair dryer method usually works on the player.

to liven things up, cheer leaders(nurses and idiotic medical students like me) are brought in to try to cheer and motivate the player. sometimes due to the stress and irritation(not able to score despite kicking many times), players do lash out verbally and physically at the spectators. in such cases, usually the spectators would just shut up from then on. common injuries sustained by spectators are fractured metacarpals, bruised eyes and broken tooth(from a slap/punch), bald patch(player manually removes the spectators hair follicles) etc etc

usually at the end on normal time, the goal would have already been scored. in cases where after 90 mins + injury time, and the player has yet to score, the game goes into extra time(instrumental intervention). the special thing about extra time is that the coach now can take active participation in the game. if the player still cant score, the ball will be deflated and she losses the game. and the coach is most likely to be fired.

and the coach fires the spectators(the medical students).