"Some people hear their own inner voices with great clearness and they live by what they hear. Such people become crazy, but then they become legend."

Legends of the Fall, 1994

On Love and Fear of Hurt

When you love someone, you open up yourself to suffering. Thats the sad truth. Maybe you will break their heart, maybe they will break your heart and never able to look at yourself in the same way again.

The thought of loosing so much control over personal happiness is unbearable.

That is the burden.

That is the risk.

Like wings, they have weight. We feel that weight on our backs. But they are burden that lifts us.

Burden that allows us to fly.....

Why Im dying from stress in the clinic

case #1

patient: doktor, saya selalu lapar la

me: oh ok (maybe polyphagia in DM). you makan sikit ke banyak tiap tiap kali?

patient: sikit sikit aje doktor

me: berapa banyak?

patient: setengah mangkuk nasi.

me: berapa kali you makan sehari?

patient: sekali aje.

me: tentu la lapar...macam mana you mau saya tolong you!?!?

patient: hehe....boleh kasi sikit duit ka doktor

case #2

patient: doktor, mata saya kabur la

me: berapa lama sudah?

patient: 3bulan sudah

*checks visual acuity: right eye 6/36, left eye 6/42

me: you mungkin perlu pakai cermin mata sudah

patient: ADA doktor!!! tapi masih tidak bagus. sudah 10 cermin mata saya beli tapi masih sama lagi.

me: wah 10 ah...kedai cermin mata mana you pergi?

patient: tidak, beli kat pasar malam aje

case #3

patient: doktor saya demam kuat la....

me: berapa lama sudah demam?

patient: sakit kepala ada, pening kepala ada, sakit tulang....

me: berapa lama sudah demam?

patient: makan pun tak de selera, rasa mau muntah muntah adooo...habis lepas....

me: saya tanya demam berapa lama sudah????

patient: bila saya mau berak, keras tahi saya tau doktor. kena terah erng erng erng (patient demonstrating how he is straining) adoo sakit burit (backside) saya doktor...

me: oi saya tanya demam you berapa lama sudah la!!!

patient: lama sudah

me: berapa lama?

patient: oohh lama la doktor

me: yalah saya tau lama, tapi berapa lama???

patient: oooohhh kuat lama doktor.

me: (head boiling already) lama itu berapa lama la?!? satu hari ke! satu minggu ke!!! satu bulan ke!!!

patient: ahh...apa lama doktor?

me: you punya demam la!!! berapa lama sudah?!?!?!

patient: saya tak de demam doktor.

me : HABIS TADI YOU AWAL AWAL CAKAP YOU DEMAM KUAT KENAPA!!!!

patient: saya mana ada cakap saya demam.

me: habis you datang sini untuk apa????

patient: hehe...boleh tolong beri panadol ka doktor. kat rumah sudah habis.

The Day I Got My Ink Done

i cant remember exactly when i had the idea of getting a tattoo. it was probably sometime during medical school. at that time i wanted to get tattoo of a tiger combined with a book (a bible actually) cause thats my chinese name "Soo Haw" hokkien for "Book Tiger". dont ask me why, but thats the weird name my dad gave to me when i was born. my grand uncle was dead against it. the older generations believe that it was bad luck to name a person after such a strong animal cause the tiger and the person within would clash and that would bring misfortune to the person. that probably explains why i was a sickly young kid. but hey, i grew up alright after that.

so i started browsing the web looking for the perfect tiger and bible combination tattoo but alas i could not find a single one that attracted me despite searching the net for a month. so i decided to get a cross instead. i was searching for my tattoo at tattoojohnny.com. and on the very first click on the cross section, i saw the design that i knew was the one for me. it was almost like love at first sight. though i browsed through about a thousand other designs, i still came back to the one that i first laid my eyes on.

so why a cross?? since i couldn't find the tiger-bible tattoo that i liked, i wanted something else that reflects strongly on what i believe. since i was a Christian, why not a cross. now dont get me wrong, Im definitely not the best Christian around. im probably the type of christian you point out to your children and say, "that guy is going to hell." but i do believe in god and that whatever i have and achieved to date is down to Him and that without god, live would not be worth living. so hence i chose a cross as an expression of my faith.

the next thing to do was to find a tattoo artist. there were a lot of recommendation of tattoo artist here in song as well as in sibu and kapit. this was going to be my first tattoo. i sure as hell didn't want any regrets about it once i was done with it. so i wanted the best that was available here. one name that stood out was robert mayau. a local iban, who has made his name in the international scene as a tattoo artist. he has been in the business since 1978 and has his own studio in kapit. he has travelled to numerous tattoo convention both locally and internationally. so i set an appointment with him. had to book him almost 4 weeks in advance cause of his busy travelling schedule.

the one thing that worries me the most was the pain involved in doing a tattoo. the thought of getting your skin repeatedly poked with a needle was scary. and plus to that is the fact i have a seriously low pain threshold. so the pain factor was the single biggest fear. i actually thought of loading myself up with pethidine or tramadol before doing it, but decided against it cause the drug might make me drowsy. dont want to fall off the express boat and into the rejang river. the other fear i had was how my ultra sensitive skin would react to the ink. i was afraid, the allergy reaction would be so bad that i would have to amputate my entire upper limb destroying any chance i have of becoming a surgeon. thats me being over melodramatic. but once you are determined to get your ink, the fear takes a back seat.

on the day of the appointment, it was raining heavily. i was so tempted to call it off but i eventually got up and together with my friend harris, we took the express boat to kapit. once in kapit we had hearty breakfast and the proceed to robert's studio. there we were joined by daniel, another friend of mine in kapit. the studio resembles a very small confined office. the walls were covered with certificates, news articles about him and pictures of tattoos he had done.

the first step in getting the tattoo done was to get the stensil of the design you want on to the body part in which you want to get inked. that was the easy part. once its imprinted on your skin, the pain starts.

the pain.... i find it difficult to explain it. i was not in excruciating pain, but the pain was enough to contort your facial muscles. i looked like i was shitting bricks. my arm was tense. all the muscles contracting at the same time. the pain was sharp and continuous. its like being poked during blood taking but the only difference is that its being done again and again and again...... and the buzzing from the tattoo machine doesn't help.

the most painful part is actually when your tattoo is being outlined. the needle actually goes in deeper hence causing more pain. i was told the machine can be adjusted into 3 different depth level depending on the skin thickness. i got medium depth. imagine if i got the deepest depth. i might have gave robert a left hook onto his face.

after the outlining part, when he started to shade the pattern the pain became more bearable. the pain was still there, but not as intense as before. you just get used to the pain after sometime. since my face was no more contorted like a Picaso art piece, i was able to talk and joked around.

we stopped for 10 mins for robert to get his puff and for me to finally relax my biceps and triceps. this was how my arm looked like half way through the tattoo session. it was red and swollen from the trauma it was getting. i guess it was some sort of allergic respond as well to the ink. but welt soon settled down.

now it was time to colour it. that was fast and even less painful. he used a combination of 4 different colours for the tattoo design. i was surprised that there was even white tattoo ink. it is used to 'cut' other colours to give a shedding effect to the tattoo.

so after two hours of suffering, this was the end result and im mighty pleased with it. already thinking of a second tattoo actually....

While the trip up Katibas river might have been a great experience, I've come to realised other matters as well. Matters such as poverty which was clear to see in every village that i visited. Being a state so blessed with natural resources one would expect that standard of living would have been better.

While the leaders go around in their helicopters and Mercedes Benz, the people in the long house live a life of scarcity. Most of the young children are severely underweight because their parents can’t afford to buy milk powder and so they give them condense milk instead. The normal diet consists of rice and wild vegetables. They only get meat once or twice a week because it is too expensive. I think even prisoners in this country get better nutrition in their diet.

It is now 2010. And in 10 years time it will be 2020 when we supposedly become a developed country. But yet these people live their life without electricity or road to connect them to the nearest town, infrastructures which are vital in uplifting the standard of living of these people. The difficult terrain and geography cannot be used as an excuse for not building roads or power stations. Come on, if the government has what it takes to built the freaking Bakun Dam which is the size of Singapore, I’m sure the same government has what it takes to cut through a few hills to built a road. It’s all about political will. Wait, maybe political will is not the right reason. It is about greed. Yeah thats it. If the project won’t benefit some big shot politician, then I guess it is pointless to proceed with it. Who cares about a bunch of illiterate poor river side dwellers.

These people eke out a hand to mouth existence. I’ve met some patients who are hypertensive and diabetics for more than 10 years but never had their medication adjusted or had their renal function tested and there are patients I’ve met who have not seen a doctor in their entire adult life just because they could not afford the RM20 boat fare (one way) to Song. While RM20 might be considered spare change for most of us, the amount is a big big deal for them. It is hard for them to see the logic in spending such an amount just to see a doctor when the money can be used to buy food for the family.

And even if the patient is severely ill, they still wouldn’t want to send them down to Song/Kapit/Sibu. The reason? If they die, the relatives won’t have enough money to bring the body back to the village for burial. So they rather die than become a financial burden to their next of kins.

Most of the people here are into self cultivation and do not have a fixed income. They earned extra money by hunting for deer, wild boar or frog meat. And with logging concession being given out like its Christmas everyday to certain groups/individual, soon there won’t be anything left to hunt.

It is appalling; a travesty to human kind if people are not able to receive the best possible health care just because they do not have the financial means to do so. It is the fundamental duty of the government to protect the interest of the people. Public office is not for cultivating personal wealth but to serve the needs of the people. But i am just a fool to have such idealistic thinking. The world doesn’t work with ideals. Money and power makes the world goes round.

The greatest realisation that I’ve come to realised is that, as doctors we can only do so much. We are just treating the symptoms of poverty but are incapable in curing the root cause of poverty. We just treat the symptoms and then hope that better things will happen in the future. The changes I can accomplish as a doctor are limited. What is needed is a bigger platform if you want to exert a bigger difference in the lives of those in need. And that platform ironically is politics itself.

Trip up Katibas river

last month i made a week long medical trip into the interiors of Sungai Katibas, which is tributary of the Rajang river. though im in charge of KK Song, there are 4 other Klinik Kesihatan (KK) along Sg. Katibas which is under my care and are manned by medical assistants.

During the day we will run the clinic. Patient load varies from KK to KK. It all depends on how many long houses there along the river. The more longhouses there are, the more patients there will be. During the 4 days there, i saw a total of 189 patients. Most of the cases were hypertension and diabetes follow up cases. We did pick up 2 suspected cancer cases and they were referred to Sibu for further management

At the end of the day, it was time to have fun. River swimming is the main activity. I could not believe that there are still clean rivers in Sarawak with all the over logging going on. It was simply beautiful to see crystal clear river water cascading down the rocks and boulders as the occasional fish jumps out playfully.

The water was so clear that you could actually see the fishes swimming between the rocks. It makes it easy for spear fishing. The Ibans here have their own home made spear gun. It’s a very simple device made of wood, elastic rubber band and a thin metal spear. But it is dead accurate.

Once the swimming and fishing was over, it was time to barbeque whatever that we caught. The one thing that will forever be etched in my memory is how we laughed and joked as we barbequed the fishes and wild boar meat by the rocky river bank as the sound of the flowing crystal clear river water filled the air. It was simply awesome. I’ve never experience something like that before.

And every morning, i wake up to a misty morning sky and the sound of river flowing punctuated by the beautiful chirping of the early morning bird. The air was cooling and simply refreshing as we cruise along the Katibas River early in the morning. This is simply as close as you get to the beauty of Mother Nature.

At night everyone will gotong-royong to help cook dinner. It didn’t matter what position you hold, everyone was equal and all helped out. I was of not much help though since my culinary skills are pretty limited.

It was great seeing how everyone worked together as a team regardless of position or rank. It was like one big family all working together and joking with each other.

After dinner, we had a different activity for every night. The first night in Tekalit we just sat around and drank tuak and ijok as the senior staffs recount their live stories. Got to say this, the ibans really love their tuak and ijok. And i love it to myself. Its cheap, nice and safe.

On the second night in Bangkit, i was introduced to this iban gambling game called “Holo.” Its a sort of pictorial roulette. The objective of the game is try to bet on the same picture as the dice.

The third night in Engkuah, we made a trip to the opposite bank to visit the longhouses there. The host was nice enough to whipped supper consisting of frog meat for us and, need i mention, tuak as well.

It was here that i had the misfortune of drinking one of the worst whisky I’ve ever tasted called “Cap Ah Pek.” Its some cheap whisky that is locally made and consumed by the bucket load by the locals. It goes for RM17 per bottle. Even though i just had a single shot, i was still feeling light headed the next day.

The 4^th night was spend in this place called Lanjak Entimau which is forest research centre that is not open to the public. The river here is even prettier. By this time i was already dead tired. It seems i snored so loud that the wooden floor panel was shacking ahahah....

overall it was a wonderful trip. going to make more such trip in the future.

Logjam in rajang river

all of a sudden out of nowhere, at 2pm yesterday a 50km long debris of logs and mud flowed along the rejang river and shocking the entire population in kapit. by 6pm, it was in song. all river activity came to a stand still.

shit...i've never seen anything like that before and dont think i will ever do again. logs, branches, sawn timbers and debris covered the entire width of the river. it was a river of wood. navigation along the river was impossible and people travelling in the express boat were stucked till 9pm before it was safe enough to proceed with their journey.

thousands of fish literally suffocated to death in the river when their gills got clogged up by mud and debris. people living by the rivers had a field day picking up dead fish for free. fish which would have cost rm80/kg in the market.

the source of the logs and debris were thought to have arise from logging camps along the Balleh river, which is a tributary of the rejang river, after heavy rain fall in the last 2 days. imagine how many trees would need to be chopped down in order to produce a 50km long sea of debris.

this logjam has spooked some of the local ibans. they think its a sign that a very bad disaster is about to happen or worst, that the world is coming to and end.

authorities are calling this an ecological disaster and has called for an investigation to find out what cause the logjam. pfftt....any idiot can tell you that the cause is over logging. this is what happens when you rape mother nature in the name of greed.

Things to do before i die

1) learn scuba diving

2) scuba diving with the great white shark

3) see the pyramids

4) visit Rome and the Vatican

5) see a blooming sakura tree

6) visit Greece

7) get a tattoo

8) watch Man Utd versus Liverpool/Arsenal at Old Trafford

9) write a book

10) get a superbike and ride like the wind

11) climb Gunung Tahan or Gunung Mulu

12) run a marathon

13) catching a fish more than 5kg

14) make a positive difference in this world

how do you know what you are doing now is right

how do you know that the decisions that you make today wont haunt you with regret in the future

how do you find the meaning in all that you do

how do you know that the love you have is the one true love

how do you decide between living your calling or living with your love one

how do you affect change but yet not be changed

how do you show compassion but yet not be taken for granted

how do you make life less complicated

Quote of the week

"And yes I am a Malaysian first and Malay next. Does any bigot have a problem with that?"

Datuk Seri Mohd Nazri

Minister in the Prime Minister's Department

So here I am....Song

nestled somewhere along the mighty bank of the Rejang river, is a small quaint town called Song. Song....a rather weird name for a town. Sarawak has a history of weird sounding names for their towns. for example Bintangor town used to be called Binatang. translated to malay, Bandar Binatang. and there is this place in between Saratok and Sarikei which is called "Jakar." the first time i heard it i was like, "wat?!?! you mean there is a town called ZAKAR in Sarawak." and then there is this place after Bintulu called Similanjau National Park. now now now if you are hokkien like i am and who speaks to fast "Similanjau" might come out as "Simi-lancau" (very crude vulgar word for penis in hokkien) which might get you a slap in the face.

for example:

SCENARIO A

mother: Eh justine, how come you go holiday never tell me?? so where did you go ?

me: SIMI-LANCAU mom!!!

mother: *kapiak" (thats the sound when my mom slaps my flabby football cheeks)

SCENARIO B

New Hokkien Girl I Just Met (NHGIJM): wah justine ahhh.... i heard ah...you are working in SaLawak (hokkiens cant pronounce "R").

me: yes i am

NHGIJM: wahh, i is velli velli sure the place is sii behhh velli nice one lei. coLLect ot nottt (correct or not)??

me: yeah it is

NHGIJM: so what is nice to see there ah?

me: i dont know. maybe you should go SIMI-LANCAU

NHGIJM: wat!?!?!?! "See your lancau"!!! PUCK (fuck) you la kanineh!! *kapiak*

so how did the town got to be called Song?

the story goes that a hokkien group dropped by at this town many many years ago. one of them hokkien buggars like the place so much and felt so at ease here that he suddenly stood and shouted in hokkien, "Si beh Sooooooonnnnnnnnggggggggg ahhhhhhh!!!!" ("song" means "damm nice" or "bloody good" in hokkien). and since people might ha

ve problem writing down their address in official forms or mailing letters as -Soooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnggggggggg, the wise BN goverment decided to shorten it

down to just "SONG."

so here I am, 3 months into my rural posting. maybe another 1 year plus to

go. there is no road connecting Song to the outside world. the Rejang river serves as the only means of transportation for the people dwelling in towns up river.

the largest town along the rejang river bank is Sibu and people commute there via express boats that cruise through the mighty river daily. so in other words, Song is pretty dead. and there is no entertainment. do you know there is no mosquitoes here in Song?? you know why? cause everyone "pak bunk" (hokkien for killing mosquitoes) during their free time. and there is plenty of free time for the people here.

not that im complaning. i've always wanted to do this, even before i entered med school. you know, go to a small village and serve the ppl there. meet those deep in the interiors in their long houses. yeah, im doing what i've always wanted to do. and not many people have the chance to do what they really want to do in their lives. so i guess im quite fortunate.

hopefully there is more stories to write about song. gotta go now. got to go pak bunk now .

ps: just so you dont think im shitting you on the Similanjau story here is a link to prove that the place actually exist. oh yeah but the story of how song got its name is definitely bullshit....

justine goes to Marudi

went to marudi few months back. its a small town off miri neglected by development cause there isnt any oil there (until recent discovery). you can travel there by air, which i did, in this small ass plane that suprisingly could take off even with me on board. the interior of the plane was so small and claustrophobic that it reminded me of those 'bus mini' that used to ply the roads of kl. forget air stewardess. they will just take up to much space. did i mention that you have to weigh yourself before boarding.... (yeah yeah im suprised i could board the flight to)

there is no proper road connecting miri and marudi. just a logging route which requires a 4wheel drive to tackle the rough terrain. even so, you still will need to cross the river 3 times using those small ferries.

like most small towns around sarawak, river transport is the main route of travel.

so in other words, the town is quite isolated la. the following incident just prove how terpencil it is...

as usual, i need my daily newspaper. so i went to the nearest newspaper vendor and got the NST. i was like whoahhh..... they got NST here man. paid for it and went back to the restaurant where i was having my breakfast. as i started reading i realised that it was yesterday's paper.

so i went back to the shop and told the boss that he gave me yesterday's paper.

Me: sorry boss, ini suratkhabar semalam punya.

boss: ah ya...so apa hal?

Me: so saya mau hari ini punya paper la...

boss: oh...hari ini punya paper masih kat semenanjung....

KNN!!

Quote of the week

"In my eyes, i dont distinguish between malays and non-malays. I only know that they are all Malaysians. I dont appoint them because of the 1 Malaysia concept. Instead, they are the best Malaysians that i can find."

Datuk Shamsul Azhar Abbas, President and Chief Executive officer of Petronas

re-bloggin again

well, not been bloggin for over 2 years. not that many ppl read this blog anyway hahaha....was busy with housemanship. whatever free time i get i used it for sleeping and studying. housemanship was a real experience. glad its over.
now im a MO, hopefully there will be more time for me to pursue other interests of mine....